We still haven't secured a job. Paul's ankle still bothers him so he can't exercise the way he'd like to, I still can't hear out of my ear and I didn't think life could get any worse at the moment. NEVER think that! It CAN! It doesn't matter how bad it seems, it can always get worse!
I had a followup hearing test on Tuesday(today is Thursday), again, to see if my hearing after my surgery has improved at all. It hasn't, even a little. The doctor can't explain it so he sent me in to have an MRI to look for a brain tumor. My life literally passed before my eyes these last few days. I've never been that scared in my entire life! How can I die and leave the kids so young? What will happen to Paul? I'm only 30, I can't die yet! I'm not ready! etc, etc.
Paul and I decided to fast today for good results. Today, the results came back and they were great! Nothing there at all but we still can't explain the hearing loss. The Doc thinks it's a virus that attacks the nerve in the ear canal. Labirynthitis (or something like that). It's very rare. (I'm the queen of rare!) I'm on a steroid that he hopes will get rid of it but it could take a year for my body to heal itself, even just partially. The hearing loss could be permanent, or I could have just a little come back. Today, I'm just grateful to be alive! :) I'll think about the hearing loss in a few more weeks once I'm done with the steroid! I haven't been able to eat or sleep in 3 days. (The upside, I've lost 6 pounds!)
The Lord is real! He is here with us! He listens and answers our prayers! On Tuesday, I said a very specific prayer, and asked the Lord, "Please just tell me. Do I have a brain tumor?" I had a very distinct answer immediately after asking. "No!" I didn't know if that was just wishful thinking or the Spirit. So I asked again and had the same answer. Now, I haven't been the best with having a lot of faith, nor do I know exactly always if it's the Spirit speaking to me or if it's my own wishful thinking. So I still had the doubt in the back of my mind and I couldn't help getting emotional thinking that my time on this earth could be about up. I re-evaluated my life. Am I spiritually ready? No! Have I raised my kids good enough? No! Have I forgiven all that needed forgiving? Yes. I do feel like I've done that. But still, I was horrified that my time on this earth might just be about over. It really awakened me to what I need to do to improve my life. I'm grateful for that revelation! I wouldn't want that experience ever again, but my heart is SO full of gratitude today for the Lord's blessing that I'm OK, and that I could look back on my life and realize what I need to do to improve it.
It's funny because the one little detail that was left out, that potentially could have prevented all this worry and re-evaluation, wasn't revealed until the doctor was giving me my MRI results. The tumor he was looking for would be benign! NOT cancerous! It's just a growth where it shouldn't be. Thanks Doc, for not telling me this on TUESDAY! Well, as much as I went through these last few days, I really am grateful that I could realize what I need to do differently in my life. What I need to do better! I'm grateful that I've learned so much from this experience.
This scripture brought me comfort. It was literally as if the Lord was speaking directly to me.
Matthew 9:22 But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee awhole.
I know I need more faith. I know I need to NOT question the Spirit when it speaks to me. The Lord answered my prayers on Tuesday night. I could have had that comfort all day Wednesday and today as I waited for the results if I had had more faith. Yesterday, I got a very distinct feeling that I was being prayed for. I've never felt that before and it was very humbling. I know the Spirit spoke to me in that moment to try to give me more comfort. I'm trying to have more faith. I'm learning. Isn't that what this life is about?
